These Are The 20 Sexiest Messages You Can Text Someone
A month or so ago I wrote an article for The Hook about how to sext in any situation. I’d finished writing the opening paragraph when realised that I knew fuck all about sexting, bar a few tips that are mainly just common sense. So, the article was basically all ironic.
I’m not sure people liked it all that much and it turns out that they want, like, actual advice. Ridiculous.
Now, I don’t really sext because it freaks me out and I can’t say I see the point. However, I do understand that there are some merits and, with that, I decided to trawl the web for you lucky readers to find out what works for certain interested parties.
Also, know that I’m sort of cringing as I read these in my head. I’m embarrassed for myself… that’s the person I am now.
So, number one…
Actually no, fuck it. These are all super cringey so I’m just going to stick the worst ones up here. Enjoy!
1. I adore how naughty you are…you are a bad bad man
2. I wanna feel those sweet lips all over me, and I DO mean ALL over me….one condition…I get to guide you with my hands…I lead…you follow…agreed?
3. I love it when you roll your tongue around my nipples and then exhale slowly with that hot damp breath of yours…makes me shudder inside
4. I hope you’re rested, cause you’re gonna need every ounce of energy you can find tonight
5. Good boys get kissed… bad boys get teeth and nails. Lemme guess…you’re very “good” at being “bad”?
6. Maybe you should spank me – I’ve been very very bad…and I never learn without proper punishment
7. I love the way you kiss me…especially when you kiss me where I ache the most
8. The second you see me walk through the door…your clothes…my clothes…on the floor…no excuses
9. I get so turned on seeing you squirm when I suck those nipples of yours…especially your sensitive one
So niche. What are the chances of your partner having one sensitive nipple. Also, the sight I got that one for is exclusively form women texting men. I know some men are into all of that but, you know, bit weird…
10. I can’t stop sucking on lollypops today for some reason…
Actually, I changed my mind again. Here’s five good (I think???) ones…
1. I know last night was our first time, but I think I’m addicted to your dick already.
2. Tonight you’re not allowed to cum until I say so.
3. Tonight I’m going to take it slow and savour every inch of you
4. I know what you want, but I want you to beg me for it…think you got that in ya?
5. I was thinking about you in the shower this morning
And here’s five far better ones that I came up with:
1. Hey, you. You’re right good at fucking me… with that dick of yours.
2. I’ve been very, very naughty… I ran over a child last night. I panicked so much that I drove away before anyone saw me. I’ve been thinking about it all day… fuck me so I forget about it, if not a for a fleeting moment?
3. I really fancy your mum/dad. Logistically, fucking them will be really hard and not worth the arse-ache. You’re the closest thing I’ve got to him/her so I may as well settle for that.
4. Oooh yeah… yeah I really wanna do you… and stuff. You’re so… fit. Just wanna kiss you really hard and like, touch you. You’re such a ruddy great person. Maaannnn you’re profoundly kindhearted and I wanna just, you know… make you orgasm at least like twice.
5. I’m going to fuck you so fucking hard in any fucking orifice I can get a hold of until you fucking cry cum, you bitch. You prick. You slut-wanker. Fuck you.
Forget the other 15, just use mine.
Images via iStock