These Are The 10 Most Commonly Googled Questions About Sex

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Can somebody please tell me what humanity did before Google? Homework and revision must have been a nightmare, and how on earth did people settle disputes over who scored the second goal in the 1977 FA Cup Final or whether it’s OK to give dogs chocolate?

Such a world without definitive answers is a frightening thought. (By the way, it was Jimmy Greenhoff, and no, it’s not OK).

Anyway, it goes without saying that Google has its uses, particularly if you weren’t paying attention in sex ed class and need to get up to speed.

As it turns out, you weren’t the only one, because loads of people use the search engine to find out some of the most basic questions relating to sex.

Here’s the top ten:

Where is the G-spot?

Haha – which idiots don’t know this – everyone knows that the G-spot is found… on a woman, and serves to… separate the men who are good at sex and the ones who aren’t?

To be fair, I did just Google this myself because, you know… finding out for a mate – but apparently it’s two to three inches inside the vagina and, when stimulated, can cause a more intense orgasm than, erm, all the other types of orgasm a woman can have (?)

I actually don’t think anyone knows why it’s there or what it does – kind of like the Bermuda Triangle or what women’s cum is (is it piss?) – so let’s just put it down as one of life’s great mysteries and move on.

How to make a woman orgasm

I’ve never had to consider this; usually I’m too preoccupied on not busting a nut to actually think about her needs.

I didn’t know the answer to this before I Googled it, but I do know the answer to the question ‘how do you make me (the writer of this article) cum?’ Easy: stick a finger up my bum and tell me I’m funny.

Google, however, say that to make a woman cum you ask her what she likes and focus on that. Mostly, that involves a load of foreplay – which is just beating around the bush (excuse the pun) if you ask me – and generally being an unselfish lover.

Sounds like a lot of effort.

Can you get rid of herpes?

Like children and a red wine spillage, once you get herpes you can never get rid of them, although at this juncture in my life I think I’d actually take herpes over a surprise sprog.

Fortunately, you can take certain medication that will keep the symptoms under control and make you less likely to pass it onto someone else.

Still, in terms of STI’s its probably one of the better ones to have; on a scale of chlamydia to full blown AIDS I’d give it a five.

How to get rid of genital warts?

I think the medical term is: ‘zap em!’

To you and I that’ll probably involve getting them frozen off and giving you a real chilly willy.

You could also get a cream prescribed to you which may be a little less embarrassing, although let’s face it, genital warts are an STI, meaning, you know, you’ve actually been involved in a sexual activity.

Nothing to be embarrassed about at all, if anything it’s a mark of what a stud you are…

What is the clap?

A really annoying thing that irritating people do when a plane you’re on lands.

That was a joke, but it’s also is a bacterial infection that’s transmitted by sexual contact and easily spread because it’s symptom-less.

Still slightly more bearable than those twonks clapping on the plane, though.

How to get a bigger penis manually

Contrary to what you may think, pulling it as hard as you can will not make it any longer. What you will do is cause yourself a lot of pain and potentially rip your own dick off.

And nobody wants that.

If you want a bigger penis, the only way you’re going to get one is through surgery – where I think they just pump it with fat from your back or something until it’s the size you want – or by praying really, really hard.

Alternatively, you can just buy whatever one of those penis enlargements ads you see next to porn vids are selling. They do guarantee to make your penis triple in size in six weeks, so you know, money well spent (thumbs up emoji).

How to measure a penis

Like people, you measures penises by their kindness and generosity.

Just kidding, you get a ruler, a piece of string, or a metre stick (depending on the size of your member) and measure it from the base of your abdomen to the tip of your penis.

Don’t go cheating by measuring it from your chin to the tip because you’re only kidding yourself.

How old do you have to be to buy condoms?

There’s no age limit to this – but if you’re under the age of 16 the only reason you should be buying them is to either fill them up with water or put them over your hands and pretend to be half-man, half-fish.

Probably more fun than using them for what they’re actually for.

How to insert the male organ into the female organ

Jesus, kids are getting more intelligent aren’t they?

Back in my day, that question would’ve been ‘how do you stick your pee-pee in someone’s va jay-jay’ – so at least it proves that kids know the correct terminology, although if they’re asking the question in the first place their sex education leaves a lot to be desired.

Having never done it, I have no answer for you, but I guess you’ve just got to ask nicely.

How long does sex last?

Three minutes.

Any longer than that and you’re clearly not doing it right (remember, the key to keeping women interested is leave them wanting a bit more, or in this case, a lot more).

If you don’t believe me and my three minute rule of thumb, sex can apparently last anywhere between 33 seconds and 44 minutes, with the average being about 5 minutes (so I actually wasn’t far wrong). However, a 2008 study said that intercourse that lasted 1-2 minutes was “too short,” 3-7 minutes was “adequate,” 7-13 minutes was “desirable,” and 10-30 was “too long”.

You’re basically a sex guru now you know the answer to these questions.

You’re welcome.

Images via iStock/GIPHY

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